Blog Therapy

At 3:18 PM  I got into  my emo mood, like I usually do, which was triggered by thoughts of some opportunities that I sat on and how I've yo-yo'ed my goals of being healthier and how I've let my parents down so many times and how unbearable the sight of myself was....(omg so dramatic lol) When I got to the marrow of my emotions I thought,

"This is great, I'm gonna vent to my best friend while my emotions are high and everything will be better!  YES!"
Then I thought about it....I don't have a best friend.....
"But wait," I pondered,  "this can't be right.  What about all the pictures on facebook (when I had it), and the friends I visit  I have a huge genre of friends!! Stylish ones, talented ones, beautiful ones, even pastors and mentors (I mean the list goes on!)" 

As I looked through my phone there wasn't one person who I would feel comfortable or not feel guilty calling. 

"He's probably realy busy and would think I'm a freak for crying about my little problem....She was nice that one time we talked on the phone 3 years ago....Umm he likes me, that would be awkward....She hates me....She hates me too....too important....mmmm they hate me too, she has a big mouth and can't hold water.....Oooh I was supposed to call him 2 weeks  ago.  KU-RAPP!"

What have I done these past 5 or 6 years with all the amazing people I've met?  What have I distracted myself with (don't answer that lol) that kept me from reaching a decent level of friendship and let them know what was realy going on with me?

Suclusion- if that's a word- was the root of my problem. (Sucluding myself gets realy deep I'll save that for another day.) But wait, maybe its normal to be like this.  I mean guys don't call each other to cry about emo-tions.....

Annnnnd thats where my story ends. 

Yup, no happy ending about how Christ is all I need (because I'm sure this will happen again) and I didn't receive a miraculouse phone call from someone who said "Hey remember me? I love you friend! Let's go drink champaign on my dad's boat and get free lazer hair removal!"

I have to admit, most of my broken and unnatended friendships are because of my little insecurity issues.....(Ooh somebodies glad I mentioned that,) but I realized that I should be proud that I've managed to be emotionaly independent or getting closer.

 PAUSE--I do realize that I need to mend some of these friendships with the people that care whether I do or not; and I'll let you know how that goes, maybe not.--PLAY

 I had a good cry, and texted someone I had NO IDEAwas going through the same thing as me.  This person didn't cry with me, or lie about how much they've been praying for me.  Our conversation was enough to know that I wasn't crazy for feeling this way and I had hope that its not the end of the world (ok this is getting quite Sesame Street-ish lemme hurry up)  This person was going to make an effort to see me and be my "real friend" as they put it. Thats all I needed at the time and God gave it to me.